"Jesus said 'Cast your bread upon the waters' but all I get back in return was soggy bread" - Ned Flanders
Yes, I'm actually quoting Flanders, and not proceding it with "stupid" or "diddly-do" or other such nonsense. As much as I love The Simpsons, I've never liked the way the Christians were portrayed, especially Flanders.
But this post isn't about Flanders or Homer or any other yell0w-skinned cartoon. It's about life, and how I'm currently seeing it.
I'm sure we've all felt like Ned at times. I know I sure do. Jesus uses phrases like "cast your bread" and "cast your cares", but every time I've done that it never really seems to change anything. You see, the problem I'm experiencing these days is a discontinuity between what The Bible says and what my life shows me. Like our friend Ned, I've cast my bread into the water, I've gotten out of the boat, and I've surrendered my yoke. At least I think I have. But it seems like every time I try connecting with God, it comes up short.
I know a big part of the problem is me. (hell, it probably ALL is!). Specifically my cynicism. I somehow manage to see life from the bottom of the glass, always wanting more but yet never quite being satisfied. Even though I'm doing the right "things", I never seem to be content with what I have or what I'm doing. Like Ned, I'm the oblivious fool who seems to think that because I live a "good Christian life" and never got involved with any "sinful behaviors" (no, I'm not claiming to be perfect. Those who've been in church long enough know EXACTLY the kind of thinking I'm talking about), that I'm somehow entitled to special treatment from God.
But it never turns out that way. I look at my life and it seems incredibly empty, at least compared to the lives of everyone around me. It seem like almost everyone I know is getting married, having babies, and buying the first house. They are beginning what is generally known as "The American Dream". And what do I have? Not much. I barely have any money, I haven't had a real job since God knows when, and the average women won't even give me the time of day. I look around me and see others who don't "try" as hard being blessed WAY more then I am.
Of course, this is all just my perspective from the bottom of the glass. I know deep down in my soul that we're all on the same playing field, that in reality nobody deserves anything. But my head and logic always seems to get in the way. Logically, it would seem that God rewards those who serve him. But somehow I don't see it in my life, only in other people's life. It's like somehow half of Scripture doesn't apply to me. I've asked, I've seeked, and I've knocked, and yet I still receive no answer. I'm it's really hard dealing with this when I'm around so many people who don't deserve anything but are getting blessed anyway. I SHOULD be happy for my friends getting married, I SHOULD be happy for the new parents, but somehow their joy isn't big enough to fill the cynics heart.
Somehow the last couple of days I've been dwelling on this more then usual, and it's making me depressed. Even WITH 200mg of Zoloft daily. I just can't seem to share in other people's happiness. The loud voice of the pessimist is drowning out the soft voice of peace and love that everyone else seems to be in tune with. Jay preached on The Prodigal Son this past Sunday, and it really made me think. Especially about the older brother. The son who WASN'T prodigal, the son who diligently did his duties without complaining and feels like he deserves some recognition. And then all of a sudden his bonehead of a brother comes home from a life of whoring and gambling and other things left unsaid, and the father throws a PARTY! Can you believe it? The nerve! The older brother is angry and upset because it should be HIM who has the party, the one who never strayed.
Well, I think I'm the older brother. My own jealousy and anger and sense of entitlement has left me cynical and jaded. Instead of celebrating that something good has happened, I complain because it never happens to ME!
ME! ME! ME! I think I see a them here. I just wish I knew how to deal with it. All the praying in the world so far hasn't brought me any closer. I want to be able to share with other people's success. I don't want to constantly be comparing my life to others.
I don't have any answers. I'm not sure there are any. But for know I'll give what little strength I have and attempt to lift me head so that I'm not starting at my own two feet. Maybe one day I'll be able to look others in the eye and say "I'm truly happy for you, friend", and actually mean it.
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hi matt.
ReplyDeletesuffering with depression myself, i know there's nothing that can be said by anybody that makes it go away or makes you feel better. is yours coupled with guilt as well?? that's what really gets me down when i'm feeling maudlin, depressed and what not, and then add a heaping helping of guilt because i have no right to feel that way! i've also chosen not to take any medications for it, which maybe is a good thing, since they don't seem to be helping you out that much! :)
but i'm going to say a few little somethings, and i don't know if it will help or not, but it might.
first, knowledge of God IS your reward. all those other things aren't rewards. marriage, babies, houses....aren't rewards, they are just life, just the results of choices made on the path that has been set before your feet. school, dating, free-and-easy lifestyles...aren't rewards, they are just the results of a life path. Knowing God is the only reward there is, and no, we don't deserve it, but don't feel ashamed to take comfort, pleasure and relief in it, either.
speaking as someone on the other side of the fence when it comes to what my life is....trust me, half the people (maybe more) with the marriages and the babies and the houses, are probably looking back at you and envying YOU). how do i know?? because i do, envy that is. i'm married, i can't flirt with any guy i want to, if i see a cute, available guy that i really like, there's nothing i can do about it. when he's cranky and i don't really like him, tough beans, i'm kind of stuck with him. this relationship can't be ended with just a phone call. we own a house, and at the worst possible time, sewage backs up in the basement and we've got to find someone to fix it and shell out $3000 we don't really have to get it taken care of. the next year the furnace goes out and costs us another $3000. we have kids. we can't go out whenever we want to, without it being a bit of a hassle to find baby sitters and arrange nights and what not. we can't watch whatever movie at home whenever we want. i have to watch my language when i stub my toe. my daughter may need braces and i dont't know where the money is going to come from, and i just had to have the majority of my son's baby teeth capped.
so......envy, discontent and dissatisfaction works both ways. the thing with human nature is we are never satisfied with what we have. the grass is always greener, and all that. it's just the human condition. the hard part is learning how to deal with it. and i can't really teach you that, unfortunately, and i would if i could...it's different for every person. and just for the record, i'm not really complaining in the above paragraph, just trying to give another perspective. sometimes it's good to get perspective! ;)
so, life is what it is. it is set before us and with what we have, we make what we can of it, for good or bad.
next time you see some newly married couple, who just bought their first house, and have announced their first pregnancy, say to yourself, "there but for the grace of God, go i". at the very least, it might give you a laugh and laughter truly is the best medicine.
sheesh, i'm sorry, i didn't mean to write a blog myself!
ReplyDeleteHey Karen,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the reality check. I'm actually feeling much better at the moment.
Regarding your comment on meds, I DO think that Zoloft and another anti-anxiety drug have helped me. They don't make you feel happy all the time, but they have helped me to calm me down so I'm not quite as wound up and on edge and ready pounce at every little think. (I don't know if you noticed any change when I visited during New Year's) I don't have clinical depression or anything like that (in fact, my shrink doesn't know WHAT I have). Anxiety and mood swings, yes, which is definitely better through a combination of meds, counseling, and spiritual healing. Most of my "depression" are situation-based more then biologically based.
I can't tell you if you need drugs whatever sort of depression you have, but don't be afraid of them. Both my psychologist and psychiatrist are Christians, and most people from my church have supported me in my decision (including the pastor, who said it was perfectly ok and normal). I have no idea if religious issues are what shaped your decision or not, but don't run away from them just because some crack-pot TBN preacher believes that faith is the ONLY medicine. If it's a problem for you, definitely discuss it with a doctor or therapist.
hi again matt
ReplyDeleteon the subject of meds, it's not religion based (and certainly not anything from tbn! lol!). i'm not sure i could really explain what prompted my decision, other than i think part of me feels that if i don't learn how to deal with it and control it on my own, it will control me (and i hate being controlled! i'm too strong minded!). my depression isn't so much situation based, i'm not exactly sure what it is. psychological maybe, if that separate from chemical? i have stopped telling people when i'm depressed, because i get the inevitable question "why are you depressed?" and that's a great deal of the problem...i don't know why! i just am, and i feel bad because there's no reason for me to be. it's never been so bad i can't function though, and it's probably a good thing i have kids and a husband, because it helps me step outside myself. the days i don't want to do anything, i can't wallow too much because i have people to take care of. one thing that helped me very much in knowing that i can control this stuff, is that i went through post-partum depression very badly after my first child, because i wasn't ready for a child yet. and i got through that on my own. i felt too guilty to tell anyone about it, and so just lived with it and dealt with it, and i got through it. i realize i am one of the lucky ones in that respect. i've seen people with depression accused of not having enough faith or not being Christian enough, and i frankly think that's hogwash, horsefeathers and whatever other word you want to use for complete nonsense! mine i feel is completely separate from my faith, but my faith is something that helps me deal with it. i am fortunate that i am strong willed and strong minded, so i've never gotten to the point where i would damage myself or others (though if it eases your mind, know that if i ever reached a point where i was wanting to hurt myself or others, i would not hesitate to get help). it comes and goes, and sometimes it's worse than others, but i've always come through on the other side. so i know i can do it, and i think that's half the battle.
anyway...i am so glad to hear that you are feeling better. you know, sometimes a good wallow through self pity can actually help, because after you've indulged, then you kind of smack yourself upside the head (or someone else does it for you!), pull yourself up, and move on.
i hope you can visit again sometime soon. i didn't get to visit with you enough over new years! take care and talk to you soon!
Well Matt, when you are feeling down, just remember Jane. I told her I was feeling depressed and she retorted "Dave, you don't know what depression is...you've just got the blues." After all, she does keep her moods regulated by some strong meds and is a firm believer in using meds for people who need them. Anyway. I feel the same way you do from time to time...I think we've discussed this before. God never promised us any reward in this lifetime. If he would have, I'd be hanging out with Joel Osteen. And somtimes, my situation makes me doubt whether God is really keeping track of me. But he is. I know he is because I remember things I've seen him do that I can't deny. Promises he's made. Coming back from the dead and the confirmation not only in scripture, but also recorded by the historian Josephus (so i've been told) And I have to sheepishly admit that I know it's about him and not me and that treasure is stored in heaven and not on earth. Still doesn't make me feel any happier from time to time, so I yell at him, cry at him, ask him why. We're just living in a screwed up world courtesy of ourselves. And yea...sometimes it is good to fill that empty glass with guiness.
ReplyDeleteDavid G.